#57: Dawn Saves the Planet

I can say - without hyperbole - that this is the greatest book in the history of the world.

Okay, maybe there is a tiny bit of hyperbole in that statement. But the ghostwriters really went to town here. Fashion! Self-righteousness! Minimal amounts of child involvement! Maximum amounts of the babysitters getting pissy*! Earrings made from paper clips!

Who could ask for more, really. So let's get right down to it, ladies and SO@24**.

"Mary Anne is sort of preppie when it comes to clothes. She wears pleated wool skirts and neat white blouses, stuff like that, while I have my own style of dress that my friends in the BSC call California Casual."

Oh, we know. Also, thanks to the prevalence of Gossip Girl in pop culture (I am thisclose to getting a straight male into the show, which I will count among my greatest life achievements), I can't even read the above sentence without picturing this. Blair Waldorf, why so fierce? Although she is about 63% less fierce this season, due to the fact that she cries, oh, 15 times per episode. (Have I talked about this before? I think I have, but whatever.) I mean, sure, I'd be sad too if I told Chuck Bass I loved him and he was basically like, "oh. Well, I love whiskey. Peace." but then I would remember that I was Blair Waldorf and I could buy all the Fryes in the world. (I would start with these. And these. . . . and these.) Duh. Suck it up, Waldorf!

"It's not hard to spot Claud. She dresses in ultra bright colors [M. M. I. I. A. A. M.I.A.] that look great with her jet black hair. She likes to wear outrageous earrings and hair ornaments that she makes herself."

We love her, Dawn. You, not so much. And where's the outfit description? Lame. Ghostwriter makes up for it with the following exchange, however:

"'Guess what?' I announced as I placed my lunch next to Claudia's. 'I'm going to save the planet.' [Ahh, the foolish optimism of youth.]

Claudia just blinked her dark eyes at me and said, 'It's about time.'"

Gold.

But then Ghostwriter angers me with some straight-up blasphemy: "Of all of us, I'd say Stacey is the coolest dresser." Oh would you, Schafer? That's it, you're out of the club.

And listen to this outfit. "Today [Stacey] was wearing floral leggings, a pink shirt with big sleeves [uh, okay], and a long vest covered in antique pins. A black fedora with a red cloth rose was perched on top of her shoulder length hair." Would Stacey really wear this? Come on! That is some Blossom territory right there.

Fun fact: Dawn wants us to know that "list-making always helps [her] decide about important issues", including who she's going to invite to a dance or what outfit she's going to wear for the first day of school.

I see.

Dawn irritates the shit out of everyone in this book and manages to alienate the entire middle school. She scolds Claudia for eating candy that's individually wrapped and Claudia just sarcastically salutes her, because Claudia is too fierce for Dawn's save-the-planet schtick. She's also probably still distracted by her dough earrings.

Really! Dough earrings! She plans to paint them and cover them in shellac!

"Leave it to Claudia to think of something clever like that. [Word.] Peering through the oven door, I could see little bits of dough shaped into dogs and cats."

I would shape them into peace signs.

Oh, and remember when I promised you crazy earrings? I couldn't have dreamed up anything better than this, even at my most caffeinated: paper clips, sequins, and ribbons.

She is so awesome.

* Stacey basically threatens to disown Dawn, to which I say: what took so long?
** Shout outs are how I roll.

Finalmente, shameless semi-selfish promotion time! My dear friend Courtney Summers' debut young adult novel, Cracked Up to Be, is in stores now. If the excerpt isn't enough to make you want to read it, perhaps you should know that the "Kim H." in the acknowledgments is THIS Kim H.! Yes, I have a last initial! Your world has been rocked!

(This entry has been brought to you by exclamation points, in case you couldn't tell. What can I say, I got a snake bracelet for Christmas and I'm still pretty psyched about it. Be jealous.)