Tuesday, October 28, 2008

#46: Mary Anne Misses Logan

So remember yesterday when I was talking about Mary Anne Misses Logan? Well, I thought it would be fun if I gave you all coronaries by updating the blog two days in a row. I know! Can you believe these shenanigans?! Don't fret, I'll probably return to my usual status (Negligent Blogger) soon enough. My friend Kel keeps telling me I should get a cat (because she can sense my impending spinsterhood) and I'm like "DUDE, I can't even take care of my inanimate web project, let alone an actual living creature." The poor thing would be dead within a week. I'm surprised my pothos plant is still alive.

Anyway. Behold the glory (all credit goes to the dibbly-fresh gallery and of course to the visionary who created this masterpiece of early 90s cover art).

Did you behold? Don't just look, people. BEHOLD. Take in every blessed detail, including the blurred crowd of skaters very, very far away from the girls, like maybe the babysitters have all contracted some sort of terribly contagious disease and have been quarantined to one side of the rink. I also like the tagline A LOT: "Nothing beats your friends. But even so . . ." There are just way too many hysterical (and, shamefully, dirty) ways to finish that sentence.

So I guess Claudia, Stacey, and Kristy decided to go out and buy matching white rollerskates and didn't tell Mary Anne. Harsh! And where are the other three? I guess I should just be glad there's at least one book where the entire club doesn't wander around in a pack.

I meant to discuss outfits here, truly I did.

KRISTY: That. sweater. And the clashing turtleneck. And the cuffed jeans.
STACEY: Clearly, if she was standing up, we'd be seeing some camel toe. That sweatshirt does NOT look long enough to cover those leggings, and Blair Waldorf may need to hold a disciplinary hearing.
MARY ANNE: Meh. Again though, with the cuffed jeans.
CLAUDIA: I love this fierce bitch. Now, I would never wear any of this. But this is just so, so good. If only we could see some crazy accessories*, this would be a perfect Claudia outfit. The mulberry vest over what is undoubtedly one of Mr. Kishi's work shirts. The omnipresent black leggings. The non-matching yet still coordinated fedora (also sported by Jenny Humphrey last night in her new life as some sort of cobrasnake style hipster-hussy. Okay, fine, it was a bowler hat. I just wanted another excuse to talk Gossip Girl. I won't get into the Chuck stuff, though, because that is a subject for an entirely new blog, which I plan to title What Chuck Did And Why I Am Extremely Attracted To Him Even Though I Shouldn't Be What The Hell Is Wrong With Me. Catchy, right?).

* Speaking of crazy accessories, I entered a contest and naturally I'd like you to vote for me if you're bored and looking to waste valuable work time while getting paid for your adventures in internet surfing. Lucky Magazine sent me an e-mail in which they basically said "hey if you enter this contest and write about it on the blog perhaps we'll reward you with free stuff." And I was like, "woah, free stuff! I'm in!" And then I realized it was a contest that revolved around denim, and I was EVEN MORE IN. And then I took a bunch of self portraits and THEN I questioned whether this was a good idea in the first place. I mean, I kind of enjoy being the anonymous snark-ster that hides behind a profile picture taken over a year ago in a bathroom mirror. I am not exactly America's Next Top Model. I don't know how to smile with my eyes! It's a crime, really.

So here's my entry. I tried to include an amusing write-up -- I am most proud of the line about me attending the Paris Hilton School of Posing Like a Douchebag, because it's very clear that I DID attend that school, and was heavily involved in all its extracurricular activities.

Detail: three necklaces, back pocket detailing (oh, fine, gratuitous booty shot . . . but now I get to tell my grandchildren that I posted a picture of my butt on the internet! And admit it: now that you've seen the studs you kind of want these jeans, even if you're not down with ecru pants.), and learning to pose like a flamingo for fun and profit. The flamingo thing was actually to show off my shoes, because they are an amazing pair of Jeffrey Campbell oxfords that I hardly ever take off because I am FIVE TEN in them. The bag is Gryson for Target.

And, because those photos are kind of somber and I want you all to know I am still the fun-loving gal you know and, um, tolerate, here I am giving you some SERIOUS finger guns.

Pew pew pew!

(This entry is a good example of why I should go to rehab for my caffeine addiction. It is clearly raging out of control. Time to get out the intervention banner!)

Monday, October 27, 2008

#41: Mary Anne vs. Logan

Logan Bruno is the original Edward Cullen. They're both overprotective and overbearing, although Cullen wins points for not having a painfully cliche super-Southern accent and Bruno wins points for not actually being a straight-up stalker. Soapbox moment: do not let your impressionable children read Twilight, lest they internalize the kind of freaky obsessive codependent relationship dynamics that Meyer insists are, like, romantic or something. Seriously, SO CREEPY.


Anyway, this is the book where Mary Anne realizes that Logan is totally Edward Cullen-ing her and cuts him loose, only to get back together with him 5 books later (in a tome creatively titled "Mary Anne Misses Logan" . . . which has possibly the best BSC cover of all time. I mean, look at that cover! It's a blog entry in itself.). Oh, Mary Anne. I'm choosing to forgive you because I too have made some not-so-stellar interpersonal choices. We live, we learn, and hopefully we graduate middle school (eventually) and drop the douchebag.

I probably wouldn't hate him so much if the ghostwriters didn't harp on that damn accent.

The fashion begins with "a typical Claudia outfit . . . black leggings [I can't escape them . . . 2008, 1991 - they're everywhere!], a baggy black-and-white shirtdress, low black shoes [up your shoe-description game, ghostwriters], and big wild earrings for her pierced ears." And then "blah blah blah Japanese-American = exotic blah blah junk food blah can't spell blah." Let's skip ahead!

"Claudia flopped onto her bed and leaned against the wall. She was looking especially acute that day. (Acute means cool. My friends and I make up words all the time, and only we know what they mean. [Actually, you guys merely redefine words that already exist, and not that creatively, either.] Distant [see?] and dibble [okay, got me there] also mean cool.) Claud was wearing an oversized raspberry-colored shirt, a short black skirt, and black leggings (the layered look). On her feet were black cowboy boots, and dangling from an earcuff was a huge collection of beads and stones. (Claud does have pierced ears, but the holes were empty.)"

Compared to Claudia, Mary Anne feels "like a complete nerd," and rightly so. ". . . I was wearing one of my better outfits: blue print pants that were wide on top but narrowed to cuffs at the ankles [zoot suit?], and a short-cropped t-shirt [Richard let her out of the house in a short-cropped t-shirt?] with the sleeves rolled up and this acute [sigh] picture of a cactus wearing a cowboy boot."

Oh yeah. Real acute.

Later, Logan comes over and basically orders Mary Anne to go on an impromptu date with him, and . . . I don't know, I just have to share this:

"'Logan!' I said, gasping. 'Slow down!' [Okay, out of context that comes across . . . wrong. They're ice skating, for the record. Perv.]
'Oh, you want a leisurely turn around the ice? That's a good idea. Then everyone can see what a great couple we make.'"


Thursday, October 16, 2008

A Moment with Kim: Diaper Changes We Can Believe In.

Do you guys feel good or bad about all the cheeky, "we're so very clever" celebrity PSAs? Do you feel like maybe they're kind of self-important, or perhaps that you're being talked down to and treated like you are so politically apathetic that you can only be spurred into action by footage of Christina Aguilera serenading her flag-draped baby?

You're not the only one who feels that way.

Okay, let me figure out a way to relate this post back to the BSC. Wait for it . . . wait for it . . .

(I know, the Photoshop skills continue to amaze. Consider the blatant horrendousness [I checked with Claudia, she's pretty sure this is a word] part of the joke.)

Woah, looks like Obama's got a new campaign advisor in the final days of this absolutely critical presidential election! Good for him; he's gotta make sure he has all his bases covered, right?

"So Claudia, I'm kind of concerned about how to pull in the ignorant redneck vote. I mean, Palin's really charming them out there with all of that Joe Six-pack shit. How are we going to combat that crap?"

"I've been thinking about this all night while eating HoHos, and shortly before slipping into a sugar coma I came up with the solution. Here, I've created you a belt made entirely from flattened Budweiser cans and beef jerky."

"Wow, hiring you was the best thing that's happened to my campaign since McCain picked Palin! I think I'll keep you on as my Fashion Advisor. But you aren't allowed to do any writing. That spelling is atrocious. We'll get you a secretary or something."

When I sent in my voter registration form (well, change of address registration form) I wrote "Go Obama!" on the back and drew some hearts for emphasis. True story. I figured it would make the postman smile. It sure made me smile. And I bet I can make you smile, too: you're about to be Barack-rolled.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

#29: Mallory and the Mystery Diary

"That's why her diary's so big: it's full of secrets."

So, this gem is from the era before the Mystery sub-series appeared. And I can definitely see a modern day hipster wearing Mallory's cover outfit, (thanks dibbly-fresh) right down to the big dorky glasses. I've been trying to squint at the alarm clock - I think it says 10:30. I certainly hope that means 10:30 a.m., because 10:30 p.m. is waay past Buddy Barrett's bedtime and I don't care what his negligent mother says. What was up with Mrs. Barrett, by the way? Closet alcoholic? I know they always had to mention that she looked like a model, but that woman was a hot mess. Clean up your act, lady!

"Claudia is also one of the coolest dressers I know. She would never, ever get arrested by the Fashion Police. [What about the bungee cord belt?] She wears long, baggy sweaters, tight leggings [as opposed to loose leggings, obviously], dresses with flared [gasp!] skirts, little ballet slippers, and wild jewelry. She makes a lot of the jewelry herself."

I hate the fake-out. Those books where they'll give you some lamely vague style info but refuse to take the extra five minutes to combine a bowler hat with suspender-overalls, a space-dyed t-shirt, and a sequined cardigan, accessorized with a snake bracelet and a necklace made from feathers and Legos. I mean, really, is that so hard? It took me two minutes!

Oh, wait! We've actually hit the motherload, hidden in Chapter 9: another edition of What the BSC Wore!

I'm still skipping Kristy's outfit, by the way. I hold firm that if you don't know what she's wearing, then you have some independent studying to do.

"Jessi was wearing a long, heart-covered sweat shirt over her dance leotard [Jessi probably wears dance leotards in the shower] and a pair of pink pants that (although you couldn't see this) I knew were held up at the waist with a drawstring. I was wearing boring old jeans [watch your mouth!], but a top that I liked a lot - a big white long-sleeved t-shirt that said I [HEART] KIDS across the front."

Oh, MALLORY. Plus, who are they marketing that shirt for? Maybe I've been watching too much syndicated Law and Order: SVU, but I'm kinda creeped out here.

"Mary Anne, who can be pretty funky in her own shy way, was wearing a very cool short printed jumper over a striped shirt. You might think that those two things would clash, but they didn't. [If you're sure.] They looked great together The jumper was white with a small red print, and the shirt was white with narrow, widely-spaced stripes. Claudia called the outfit 'a fashion risk that worked.' [Oh. I guess she's the expert. Mallory, your opinion has been validated. For once.] Claud herself was wearing jeans, a plain white blouse , a pink sweater, white socks, and loafers. She said she'd gone back to the fifties for the day. [Well, come back, babe! You can do better!] Stacey, on the other hand, was in a much more typical outfit - a short sleeved blue-and-white jumpsuit [fact: babysitters love jumpsuits] with cuffed pants. Parts of it were striped, parts were solid. On her feet were high-topped sneakers laced only halfway up so that she could roll the tongue of the shoe down (extremely cool), plus she was wearing a lot of jewelry. I think Claud had made some of it for her.

Last but not least was Dawn, sitting backward in Claud's desk chair [fact: babysitters feel most comfortable when sitting backward in a desk chair], resting her arms on the top rung of the back. Her outfit was fairly normal - pants and a baggy sweat shirt - but on her head was a small straw hat! I couldn't believe it. Talk about fashion risks."

And yet . . . was there a payoff? Did this fashion risk work? You be the judge. Maybe you enjoy small straw hats. Bonnets, even.