Saturday, September 26, 2009

#85: Claudia Kishi, Live From WSTO!

By now we've all heard the news about Diablo Cody getting her schticky hands on the rights to Sweet Valley High. I'm sure you've all been waiting with baited fuckin' breath for my opinion. (You: "No, I have not." Me: "Dude, it's like a joke and stuff." You: "Less dudes, dude." Everyone's a critic!)

Here it is: I feel :( about it. Unless Cody would like to hire me as a consultant, in which case I feel $$:)$$ about it.

Cody: SVH characters do not speak in a sarcastic and superspeedy manner. They do not make grating pop culture references. They do not utilize supposedly clever phrases like "honest to blog". They do not have hamburger phones. You have been warned.

Whatever. I was underwhelmed by Juno and I have no interest in Jennifer's Body (I do have an interest in tunelessly singing the chorus of the classic Hole song whenever the film is mentioned - now you've all been warned) and I'm just thanking god she didn't buy the rights to the Babysitter's Club.

Back to the 'brook.

Four pages in, Janine is calling Claud out ("Claudia, what on earth are you wearing?") for her unique and in this case slightly deranged sense of style.

"I was wearing a backward t-shirt, overalls I'd made by sewing together two halves cut from different pairs, and mismatched socks. It was my 'deconstructionist' look. You know, like the art movement?"

This outfit makes me wanna shout WOAH THERE LADY. Picturing this getup - referred to by Janine as "Frankenstein's Jumpsuit" - is making my brain melt. I wish I knew what shoes she was wearing. Probably one black Converse hightop and one white Converse lowtop covered in, like, stickers and food coloring.

Claudia dresses down for her job at the Pikes (in "jeans and a button-down men's shirt [Sorry Mr. Kishi] over a stretch top") because "there's already enough deconstruction in that house."

I feel that. I mean, think about it: Mom & Pop Pike are the original Jon & Kate, except for all the in vitro and Ed Hardy and People magazine cover stories.

The a-plot (and it's a doozy!) kicks into full gear when Claudia wins a contest to host a radio show for a month. Her sudden interest in deejaying is the result of a) that bitch Stacey totally abandoning her* b) Claudia realizing that, like, everybody in the BSC has a love interest except for her. I mean, even Mallory is doing better than Claud is, though she did have to import an Australian** after striking out with all the American boys.

Conclusion: somebody needs a hobby.
(I mean, besides eating vast amounts of candy. Although as hobbies go, that's a pretty great one.)
Hence: conveniently timed contest.

In a Wacky Plot Twist, the contest runner-up gets to co-host the show. The contest runner-up? Ashley Wyeth! Except Ashley went to rehab or something, and I'm majorly bummed. She's definitely not the girl we met in book 12, the girl dressed like a Little House on the Prarie superfan who had recently discovered the joys of LSD.

I mean, she shows up at the radio studio wearing a "plain, button-down shirt and khakis with running shoes." Where are the Doc Martens, I ask?

She makes it up for me during the first show by bringin' the sass.

"I put together this great new outfit and trimmed my hair.

I know. Double duh. It was a radio show. Nobody was going to see me. But I could not help it. Honestly. I absolutely had to do it. I don't know why.***

Anyway, I wore the coolest tuxedo I'd recently bought in a thrift shop, including a silky, piped shirt and a bright red velvet cummerbund. I removed the shoulder pads from the jacket, which made it really slouchy (I love that look). Then I bought a pair of white socks with silver glitter.

I decided to wear a pair of red sneakers to match the cummerbund. I swept my hair up and fastened it with a rhinestone barrette in the shape of a musical note."

"Ashley was already in the studio when I walked in, dressed in jeans and a workshirt. She was deep in conversation with Bob, but when she saw me, she howled with laughter.

'Are you going to, like, describe your outfit to the listeners or something?' she asked."

It's her show, Ash. And damn straight she is.

* not that we are bitter.
** Ben Hobart. And yes, technically she didn't import him. Stop remembering plotlines so well, people! I'm trying to tell jokes here!
*** I love you.