Friday, August 21, 2009

Claudia Kishi Discovers Online Shopping; Singlehandedly Saves Economy.

Mom and Pop Kishi were pretty hard on our girl, huh? They should just be glad her reign of fashion-y terror didn't overlap with the era of Spending All Your Disposable Income on Online Shopping. She would've racked up massive credit card debt in no time. I mean, think about it. She'd be all hopped up on Yodels and frantically bidding on ebay auctions for fringed vests and snake bracelets. (Or snake earrings, or snake rings, or sandals that laced up her calves.*)

Chickdowntown would've seen her coming. And rolled out the virtual welcome mat.

She's fictional, though. And you are not. (At least, not as far as I know.) So they'll settle for your love by sending you this horse shoe slim clutch by Moyna Handbags. Claudia would be totally jealous, am I right? And you're going to look great. (May I suggest pairing it with some shredded denim and earrings made from paper clips and seed beads? So fetch!**)

Wanna get your hands on the clutch? Easy enough. Chickdowntown has one reserved for a lucky What Claudia Wore reader. All you have to do (besides 'live in the United States' - sorry, international ladies) is drop me a comment naming the Ann M. Martin-approved item you'd die to own. Is it Dawn's I'm Awesome necklace? Stacey's beret, adorned with a sparkly dinosaur pin? One of the 5 million jumpsuits these crazy chicks are always sporting? The iconic telephone cord bracelet? Claudia's bungee cord belt? (If so, why? It's a bungee cord, dude.)

The contest will close on September 3rd. I'll use a Ouija board to pick the winner. (Just kidding, I will probably put your names in a sassy hat or something.) In the meantime, follow Chickdowntown on twitter, become a fan on facebook, and check out J.A.K.'s western plaid shirts. Mostly because the yellow/orange one is callin' my name and I just want someone to tell me it'd look great with my Fryes.

I'm gonna go call Claudia, maybe she can find it for me in her dad's closet. Forgive us, Pop Kishi.

* the laces would be two tiny snakes. With beads for eyes. God, I need those sandals immediately.
** If Regina George is Cokie Mason, then Gretchen Weiners is Grace Blume. Think about it.

Monday, August 03, 2009

#37: Dawn and the Older Boy

Oh, Dawn. I'm choosing to ignore your teased bangs and will instead focus on your dinner companion. Travis. Travis the Older Boy from California. Travis the Older Boy from California with Suspiciously Pristine Sneakers.
You look smitten, and I'm concerned.

Not so much about the age thing. I mean, I get it lady. Maturity, experience, etc. But this guy looks exactly like my mental picture of Randall Flagg and that CANNOT be a good thing. He's probably two seconds away from eating your face. For god's sakes, woman! Run!

Guys, I know you feel me on this. Just look at him. That is clearly the face of a killer. Dude, he probably has the skin of a killer* as well.

Anyway. Let's get started with some makeovers.

"I glanced around Kristy Thomas's bedroom and saw that all six of my friends were experimenting with lipstick and nail polish. A few of them, like Stacey McGill, were even trying out new hairstyles. It was a sort of mass 'make-over,' and there was a lot of giggling going on. (And some of the 'befores' looked better than the 'after', if you know what I mean.)"

I do know what you mean, but
I'm supposed to be the quippy one here. Back off, Schafer.

"Claudia is a beautiful, dramatic-looking Japanese-American who loves exotic clothes. (She's also the vice-president of the BSC.) Claudia's one of those people who can wear anything and get away with it. Today, for example, she had stuck to two colors: black and white. Black cotton bib overalls over a white turtleneck with a shiny black patent leather belt looped around her waist. Black suede ankle boots and white cotton socks. [Wow, yikes. I'm down with mixing up the casual and the formal, but I can't stand behind this. I'm not sure I can
ever stand behind visible white cotton socks. Okay, maybe if they're flop socks and I've layered three different pairs so that my ankles look like ice cream cones.] Long black hair swept off her face with giant white plastic barrettes. Anyone else would look like a penguin in that get-up, but Claudia looked great. [Like a beautiful, dramatic-looking, Japanese-American penguin.]

'What do you think,' she asked, holding up a white hoop earring next to her face. 'Too much?'

I nodded. 'Maybe just a little.' The earring was the size of a doorknob."

It's nice of you to get the little people involved, Claud. But you and I both know that the concept of 'too much' doesn't exist in your world. Ignore California Casual over there. She wears

What? You own clogs? Oh. Well, I'm sure you look GREAT in them. Don't mind me.

Makeover madness continues: "'Stacey had scrunched her own hair into a cloud of blonde curls and was trying for the same effect with my stepsister.

Mary Anne shot me a desperate look [pull it together, Spier] in the mirror, just as Stacey gave a final pat to her hair and said pointedly, 'Doesn't she look great?'

I was on the spot. 'I think it's a nice change,' I began. 'Of course, you wouldn't have to wear it that way every day.'

'She should. It's a big improvement.' Stacey said flatly."

Holy shit, man. It's about to be a (what) GIRLFIGHT**.

The next morning, Dawn meets the Older Boy (henceforth referred to as OB), a friend of Charlie's. The scene is moderately amusing - the babysitters go downstairs, are struck dumb by the presence of cute high school guys, and flock back upstairs to primp.

"Upstairs, I took a quick shower and spent the next hour fiddling with my hair and makeup. I decided that I wanted to look casual (but gorgeous!) and finally settled on a pale blue ten-button top [I'm getting 'henley' from this description] with my favorite jeans."

For whatever reason, said cute high school guys are still chilling in the Brewer's kitchen an hour later. Travis lures Dawn in with ocean talk and mentions of Malibu and his affinity for granola. He even drops some fashion advice, letting her know she should always wear blue. Because it brings out the color of her eyes. Just like the ocean.

I think he should always wear brown. Because he is full of it.

They go on a couple of nebulous date-things (gotta love the nebulous date-thing, staring across the table all "hmm. This feels date-y. I'm totally catching vibes here.") after school involving grilled cheese sandwiches and girly accessory shopping. No joke.

Oh, and he gives her a blue beaded necklace and hair combs. "'When I saw this,'" he smarms, "'it just made me think of you. That's all. It's the same shade as your eyes.'"

You know, I might have found that kinda cute, but he follows it up by being a total douche and not appreciating Schafer for the unique little snowflake that we all know she is. God, what a jerk. It's my job to tell these girls they look like crap.

Check out this gem:

"'Usually, I just brush my hair and wear it straight. It's so long.'

'Oh yeah. That's another thing I wanted to mention.' Travis picked up a strand of hair and looked at critically. 'When's the last time you got your hair cut?'

'Cut? I never get it cut. Well, sometimes I have the ends trimmed a little.'

Travis gave me a very serious look. 'I think you should lose a few inches, maybe three or four. It will give your hair more lift, you know?'" [Seriously, I would smack a guy for telling me I needed to cut my hair.]

"'Maybe,' I said doubtfully. I like my hair the way it is - very long and fine. Whenever I try a new style, I usually hate it and go right back to wearing it straight."

Feel ya, girl. I experimented with bangs a couple years ago and couldn't hack it after a few short months. Now where was I? Oh yeah, somewhere around "this guy spends a creepy amount of time looking at/thinking about jewelry":

"'I saw some pierced earrings in here that would look great on you,' he said. He led me to a display counter and spun an earring tree with his thumb. 'Good! They're still here.' He lifted a pair of delicate silver earrings off the tree and held them out to me. 'Do you like them?'

They were perfect. Tiny butterflies in flight. 'I love them,' I said softly.

[I suspect Merry-Go-Round is the Stoneybrook version of a Claire's Accessories. Have some class, Older Boy.]

Travis held them up to my ear and smiled. 'I knew they'd be right for you.'

'I'll wear them under the stars,' I promised him. (I should explain that I wear two earrings in each ear.)

'No,' Travis said flatly. 'You should wear them up higher. Just get another hole punched in your ear.'"

Hey. Sociopath. Calm the hell down. And then he has the audacity to bring Cali back into the equation, claiming that "all the girls" have 3 holes in each ear. Look, I know I talk a lot of shit about Schafer, but I am very wounded by all this making over of a fictional teenager who is perfectly fine just as she is***.

After Dawn hears that Travis has been hanging out with a girl his age (Kristy's big mouth strikes again), she makes the totally rational decision to stalk him. Yeah, I smell a healthy relationship in the works here. Would more Twilight jokes be appropriate at this time****?

Travis is wearing "faded jeans and a white t-shirt" when Dawn spots him. "But he wasn't alone. He turned around and linked arms with a great-looking girl. Her long red hair tumbled down her back, and she had high cheekbones, just like a model. She was dressed in a white cotton flight suit [I was all 'this must be some high-fashion terminology I've never heard of', but then I google image searched 'flight suit' and the results were precisely what I'd imagined], exactly the kind of trendy outfit that Claudia or Stacey would wear. I hated her on sight, and then I stopped and reminded myself that it wasn't her fault she was gorgeous."

The outfit, on the other hand, is entirely her fault.

So Dawn spies on Travis and Sara (or Flight Suit Girl, as I prefer to think of her) a second time. Travis takes Sara to Merry-Go-Round, and Dawn decides it's time to confront him. She starts by being all 'so, looks like this is one of your favorite spots.' The dig doesn't have the impact she'd hoped for, and Flight Suit Girl interrupts by showing Travis some "heavy gold hoop earrings.

'What do you think, Travis?' she asked, ignoring me. 'Are these too big?'

I couldn't resist. 'Yes, definitely too big. They look like they should be holding up a shower curtain.'

[What does Dawn have against big jewelry? Hrmph.]

Sara frowned and gave Travis a 'who-is-this-person?' look, and he introduced us.

'Dawn is from California, too,' he added.

'Really?' Sara gave me a cool smile. 'Oh, now I remember,' she said, as if a light bulb had switched on inside her head. 'Dawn Schafer . . . the little girl you told me about.'

Little girl? I was steaming. What nerve. I needed a really stinging comeback, but my mind was a blank. And the next words out of Sara's mouth were even worse. 'I'm sure you've turned her into a real beauty, Travis,' she murmured."

Dude, what kind of fucked-up dynamics are going on here?! I'm so disturbed. Poor Dawn pulls it together, but kinda embarrasses herself further with her retort, snapping that she was "'already a beauty'."

In the end, Sensitive Mary Anne reminds Dawn about the plot of My Fair Lady and Dawn realizes she's Eliza Doolittle. And then she starts talking to animals and Mary Anne has to inform her that Eliza Doolittle and Dr. Dolittle are two entirely different characters and then she wonders if maybe Dawn has gotten into Sharon's stash. (I mean, why do you think she could never find anything? And stored her keys in the vegetable drawer and shit? Think about it.)

Nah, that didn't happen. It would've been more interesting, though. Dawn calls Travis on his shit and he doesn't get it but she feels vindicated in the end and then starts an epistolary romance with Logan's cousin Lewis ('cause those Kentucky boys like to keep it in the family). And by book 50 she's totally forgotten all these valuable lessons about loving you for you (or whatever). I think we all remember that particular clusterfuck.

* you: "did she just drop a Twilight reference? oh my GOD, she did. I am NEVER reading this blog AGAIN."
** I know.
*** Assuming she lets me burn her entire wardrobe and start from scratch.
**** Twilight jokes are both never AND always appropriate.