Saturday, December 12, 2009

#42: Jessi and the Dance School Phantom

It's been close to two months since I've posted an entry. Trust me, I have plenty of very good excuses reasons why. In the interest of interactivity, I will leave you a list and you can pick the one that most appeals to you.

A. It's all tumblr's fault.
B. In love; snark levels compromised.
C. Existential crisis brought on by the realization that all of my clothes are too small or falling apart.*
D. Moved into new position at job; am tired at the end of the day.
E. My television isn't going to watch itself.
F. Cease and desist letter from Ann M. Martin's Army of Lawyers.

But enough about Kim "Lazy Blogger Extraordinaire" Hutt. The eleven year old prima ballerina of the BSC snagged yet another lead role, and now she must pay. Or something.

On with the cheap shots jokes!

The full text of the note reads "BEWARE. There is a scarecrow in an all-denim ensemble directly behind you!" Dawn is all "how dare you! Deep conditioning is bad for the environment!"

We all know Jessi is not exactly a fashion icon. She further proves this by celebrating the fact that she is restricted to black leotards and pink tights during ballet class. "I could just imagine the scene if we were allowed to wear anything: There'd be so much neon in the place that it would look like Times Square."

Other things it might look like: an American Apparel ad. A Forever 21 dressing room discard rack. The inside of Lady Gaga's brain. I too can work a simile, Martin!

As you may have guessed from the title and cover art, Jessi is getting seriously stalked here. She's creeped out enough about it to consider giving up the role of Princess Aurora. However, the other babysitters won't stand for this defeatist, "I wish to escape with my life" attitude.

"Mallory gasped. 'Give up the production!' she said. 'You're nuts, Jessi. That may be the best part you've ever gotten. You can't let them scare you out of it.'

'Mal's right,' said Claud. 'You can't quit. I've already bought a new outfit to wear to your opening night.' She laughed. 'I'm only kidding.'"

She's not. Jessi's safety means nothing compared to the joys of a new minidress.

Eventually they unmask the crazy (in a really stupid plotline involving an incriminating calligraphy pen) and all is well. Opening night arrives just in time for A.M.M. to think up more wacky outfits for her little posse of teen & tween fashionistas.

Jessi "Best Ballerina Evar" Ramsey wore "a black velvet dress." Yawn.

Stacey "I AM New York" McGill wore "a tuxedo! That's right, a tuxedo, just like one a boy would wear. But it was made to fit her perfectly, and she looked great. She must have gotten it in New York."

Kristy "I'd Rather Be Coaching Softball" Thomas wore "a dress, for once, and it was strange to see her in something other than a turtleneck and jeans. She looked really pretty."

Mallory "The Oft-Mocked Or Forgotten One" Pike wore "her best skirt and blouse." Again: yawn.

Dawn "Can I Go Back to California Yet?" Schafer wore "Mary Anne's new Laura Ashley dress", while Mary Anne "Huge F'in Crybaby" Spier sported "Dawn's pink jumpsuit".

Claudia "No Fanciful Nickname Could Possibly Encompass The Awesome" Kishi "looked extremely cool and exotic, as usual. Her hair was braided with silver ribbons, and she wore a shimmery dark blue minidress. On her feet were silver sandals, with laces up the calves - kind of like toe shoes."


* My inner cheapskate is sad about this, she really enjoyed buying $12 jeans at Forever21. Anyway, I'm solving this crisis by slowly filtering in classy, well-made items from (I know, I know, this is so mature and adult I can barely even stand it) Banana Republic. Today I set my progress back considerably by purchasing this doofy acrylic sweater coat thing from Urban Outfitters. Which is also not my fault: I was Christmas shopping. SOMETIMES THINGS HAPPEN WHEN YOU ARE CHRISTMAS SHOPPING.